To live..or not to live

To carry on with the depressing talk, as may be obvious, I did not have a very good day today. It truly was one of those days when you really do question whether life is worth living. I'm sure nearly everyone has had at least one moment in their life where for a fleeting moment they thought it would be better to die than to live. But for most, such moments pass and you always find a solution, or at least you realise that things aren't that bad. Which brings me to something I heard about the other day. Apparently a few weeks ago a 17 year old boy jumped off a 3-storey building not far from where I live. What a scary thought! 17 years old wanting to end his life. Could things really be that bad? I dont know what went on in that boy's life but what makes a person take such a big step. And what makes the rest of us not actually do it during those brief moments we want to.

I know that for me there are four reasons. The first being simply that I dont think I have the courage to do it. Second, a genuine curiosity about how my life will turn out to be, and whether i will finally find out why I am here. Third, my immense faith in God and my belief that He knows what is best for me. It is He who has given me life and only He has the power to take it away. Whatever is happening in my life, good or bad, has a bigger meaning and I am just too small to understand this meaning, thus I choose to blindly trust God and the path that he has chosen for me. But the biggest reason that I would never ever take that step is my parents. How could I possibly put them through that? I believe that a family can get over any type of death with time, but never suicide. Don't people think about this before they decide to end their life. If they have a problem, how is it the fault of their family. Is it really fair to pile so much guilt on to the people who love you the most?

I know I mustn't be judgemental and perhaps people who commit suicide really do have problems. Problems much much bigger than what I can even think about. But can life really be that bad? I dont know. Perhaps it can. All I can say is I hope I never feel that way. Moments are fine, but in the end I do believe that life is worth living. The world is an amazing place...there is good and there is bad...but sometimes we must close our eyes to the negativity and try to feel the beauty that God has created for us. How can we insult Him by shunning what He has made?

Work-Home-Work-Home...is that all there is to life?

Doesn't life sometimes feel like one day dragging after another with no obvious purpose. We walk from one day to the next. Go to work. Come back home. Go to sleep. Get up. Go to work. What could possibly be the purpose of such an existence where we aren't really making any difference at all. No difference to the world. No difference to the person next door. And honestly, no difference to ourselves. Its not to say that life doesn't have its moments. But how was my today any different from yesterday. And will my tomorrow be any different? What a depressing thought. Makes me wonder what the point of living is. Surely God had bigger plans for me. Or did he? Am I really nothing in this world other than a little nobody. A face that is here today, but may not be tomorrow. And yet nobody would know the difference.

My greatest fear

The other day I was reading one of those quick-fire interviews they have with celebrities...you know, 'favourite food', 'what book are you reading at the moment' etc...so just for something different I pretended to be a celebrity and started to think about answers for each of those questions, while fantasising that the world would want to know about my likes too (and trying to come up with witty answers so that my pretend fans can marvel at how clever and funny I am! Yes I know! I need to get a life!)

Anyway, so along came a question which had me stumped for a while. 'What is your greatest fear'. Hmmm...i don’t know. I tried to think of a witty answer - 'being asked this question'..no, quite lame huh? (well it wasn't that bad. I came up with better ones...for 'most embarrasing moment', I told me pretend interviewer, 'I'd have another one if I told you'...dont think that's funny either...well you just don’t have a sense of humour then!). So back to my point (Gosh, I get a bit sidetracked sometimes don’t i? I have such a short attention span...there I go again!)..what was I saying.

Oh yes. My greatest fear. What are people generally afraid of. Heights (perhaps I am a little), Water (not at all...i love the water), the dark (again maybe a little). But my greatest fear? Funnily enough the first thing that popped into my head was 'Sharks'. For some reason when I see movies where people are eaten by sharks or lose a limb, I find it completely unnerving. But then I guess most people would, so sharks lost out in the race to be my greatest fear too.

Ok so now that I've blabbed on so much without stating what my fear is, I better do so now. I am scared of being forgotten after I die. And I know that that is my greatest fear. And no, I am not trying to come up with a clever answer for my 'fans' here.

I know that there have been many a days when I have wondered if anyone will think of me after I am gone. If anyone will care. Well that is probably a bit self-sympathising because I'm sure my family and friends would miss me. But for how long will I be remembered? Have I made enough of a difference in the life of anyone (apart from my parents of course) for me to hold a place in their memory forever?

That horrible number 23!

A few days ago I turned 23 and I’m not quite sure why but suddenly I feel old.
Yes yes I know that it is silly but somehow something kept nagging me at the corner of my mind for a few weeks before my birthday and it was only 2 days before I turned this now dreaded number that I finally knew what it was.

For those wondering why the hell I was analyzing my birthday so much, well that’s just me. A lot of people have told me over the years that I need to get over it, but every year I am completely keyed up as the days of april complete and my birthday draws closer. So what changed this year then? Why did I not look forward to the grand day? Surely I haven’t already reached an age that women start to hide their age! (I mean I seriously can’t be bothered trying to come up with a random number to subtract from my age everytime I am asked how old I am…at least not yet! I was hoping I had another 20 years till I had to start).

So here I was wondering what it was that made 23 a BIG number! I started to count back (as you would) and thought about what each number meant. Till you are 19, you are a teenager. And well, ‘teenager’ is a synonym for ‘do what you want’ isn’t it? Next comes 20, and it seems so close to 19 that you can continue to assume your teenage persona (whether anyone likes it or not)! 21 of course is the grand year of celebration. The welcoming of adulthood. Look at me! I’m an adult now! Yay! Or am I?

Then come 22. Now to be honest I am not sure why this number went to oblivion, because technically I was meant to be an adult. But well, perhaps I thought it was too close to 21, so I could still celebrate ‘coming of age’ (yes I know, I need to get over the whole ‘close’ thing…but perhaps it will help me with my lie-about-how-old-you-are quest in my middle-age…I mean isn’t 49 close to 45…which is close to early 40s!). Anyway so once 22 is done, here is 23 and all of a sudden I’m left wondering where all the years went!

TWENTY THREE! That’s closer to 25 than 20 (there’s that ‘close’ thing again, though working against me this time!)…and 25 means adulthood without any excuses and no looking back! By 25, you should know who you are and know what you want out of life! And there I had it! That’s what was nagging me! I was going to be 23 and still didn’t really know where I was going in my life. Sure I have a couple of degrees and working at a fairly decent job, but that’s not what I want to be all my life. I’m sure there must be a bigger purpose for my existance. Shouldn’t I have a big amazing goal for my future. An impossible dream of sorts! What is a life without an impossible dream?

So here I am. A 23 year old still in search of my impossible dream. If it is so difficult for me to even think of a dream, how would I ever achieve it???

Of religions and conversions

I read an article today that really got to me…quite strange because I am not one to have strong opinions about such things in general and I am not one to talk about religion because I truly believe that all religions are the same…and belief is God is a belief in doing the right thing. It really does not matter what name you give to that God. At the end of the day, God lies in your conscience.

Why is it then that people believe one God to be greater than the rest. I am not saying there are no such people in the religion I follow. There definitely are, and I have met many. I am talking here in general.

The article in question that has me agitated talks about how many christian evangelists are targetting students from india who are hindu and trying to convince them to follow christianity. They talk about Jesus being the lord. Don’t get me wrong. I am not here to say that Jesus is not the Lord. But why does he have to be the only person that must be followed. They talk about following Jesus being the only part of salvation. But why? Who has given them the right to say that? People apparently have gone far enough to imply that all other Gods and religions may be the work of Satan.

I couldn’t quite pick up on what the author’s standpoint was, and thus am not critisising him because he was merely talking about what is happening. However, I do have a problem with people trying to convert others into another religion. Why can’t every religion just promote faith in general, rather than faith in their own religion? I have great respect for every religion, be it Hinduism, Christianity, Islam or anything else. I have never believe that my religion is the greatest religion of them all. I really cant understand this standpoint.

Most of all, I wonder about the people who do in fact convert. What must go through their minds? Is it pressure of wanting to be like others around them? Or have they really given up on the religion they grew up with?

I don’t know…I am not trying to make a point here. I think I’m just taking out my frustration after reading the article (link below).
http://www.indolink.com/displayArticleS.php?id=051706093445

Rain, Rain..Go away?

Its raining like crazy and my beloved cloud 9 has disappeared behind its much darker, stronger counterparts...so here I am with moods just as grey as the sky...

Wouldn't it be lovely if it only rained during the nights when we were all tucked safely into bed...

Though rain sometimes can be beautiful...i remember as a child, running and playing in the rain...looking for puddles to sail my paper boats in...gosh what a stereotype! Seen it in a million movies. Almost makes me wonder if it really is a part of my childhood memories or just something I've decided should be, since kids in movies do?! No but seriously, I'm pretty sure I used to really enjoy the rain as a child.

But for some reason, as I've grown up I just don’t enjoy the idea of going out into the rain. Getting even mildly wet is irritating. Is it because as adults we don’t want to enjoy the little things in life?

I do want to go back to the days when I could enjoy the rain though. Cause it really is a part of nature isn't it. And what would we be without water? So why should we always curse the weather when it rains?

Maybe today once again when I step out into the rain, I will try to feel its beauty rather than run to my car to get out of it. Perhaps cloud 9 is right there if I look up and maybe I just can't recognise it anymore?

Time Travel

The other day someone asked me what would be the one crazy invention that i would really love to come true and my instant answer was Teleportation...wouldn't it be lovely to be able to get to places without having to travel...no more terrible flights or buses or anything...absolute bliss...

But now i feel that perhaps time travel would be great...Not just because i want to visit lands of the past (though i would love to live through ancient egypt, and live in the time that jane austen books are set in) or even because i have a great desire to see the world 200 years from now...but more because sometimes life feels like such a drag...

What if you could skip parts of your life and just you know...get it over with...

If time was constant and it is us who pass through it step by step, what if I could skip and hop a bit through the bits I didnt like?

And maybe rewind and relive moments that defined you because though they remain in your memory, you can never really remember how you felt when it happened...

Wouldn't it be lovely?

Another day...another blog...about absolutely nothing..

So here I am once again in my blog...what do I write about though?
What are these blogs meant to be about? The meaning of life? I suppose I could contemplate that...
So here goes nothing...
What are we here for really?
Do each of us have a great purpose to fulfill in this world or are we merely space fillers...
Is life about living for the little things...like the next rainbow you may see...or is it about striving to achieve your big dreams?
So many people I look at are working so hard to get that big dream...and I admire them greatly...but is that what I really want...what if that dream never gets fulfilled and I spend my life trying to jump higher and higher not realising that with every jump I stay up for barely a moment and then I'm back on the ground again...
What if the day I manage to jump high enough to touch the stars (if such a day ever comes) I forget why I wanted to touch the stars anyway...and when I'm back on the ground, what if I forget how to live on the ground?
So then perhaps life is about taking things as they come and being happy...
I really don’t know...
I have my dreams too but wonder if they really are my dreams or just mere wordly ambitions?
Questions too big and I'm too small...so I'll just float around on my cloud and live life as life wants to be lived...sometimes big, sometimes small...

What's with this blogging?

So i was told by a friend about starting a blog of my own...
Hmmm i thought...but why?
Who would want to read about what i have to say...especially when i dont really have anything to say?
I suppose i can read it...so wouldnt that just make it a diary? So its a diary that CAN be seen by anyone but probably won't?
Interesting concept...

So here I am...in the world of the blogs...about 5 years too late...and thats me...travelling along on cloud 9...