Inspiration...

It has been long....way too long. 1 and a half years that is. I'm not quite sure why I stopped writing - not enough time? (pathetic excuse!)...too many other things to do (ummm. not really)....ran out of things to say? (sounds about right!)

But what makes me feel like writing today is a remarkable blog I came across thanks to a friend.
http://doilooknormal.blogspot.com/
I won't discuss it in detail because I can't do its beauty justice...but in short it's written by an acid attack victim who has chosen to be a lot more than that and has embarked on a project to understand people's attitudes towards what they think is not normal.

And it made me think. That I am guilty of it too. If I see someone on the road that doesn't, for the lack of a better term fit into that mould of 'normal', I probably look back again. I don't shy away from talking to people or keep away from them but as much as I'd like to say it doesn't, physical appearance does seem to matter to me. And I am ashamed. While I was reading her blog I was ashamed too. It made me wonder about my own reaction at seeing someone who may have been changed in appearance due to an accident or tragedy, or perhaps someone who was born that way. What is my normal thought? I feel sorry for them? But is that right? Is sympathy really what the response should be or is it more important to ignore the physical appearance altogether?

I hate blaming society for my own faults but why is it that when I know that physical appearances don't matter, they still subconsciously seem to? I have no answer...

The ironic part is that just before I came across this blog I was reading a fashion blog and was reading comments that people made over celebrities and how one either looked too chubby while another looked anorexic...oh and another looked like she worked out too much (!) and was getting 'man-like muscles'. That truly irked me - that people are so rigid in their thinking of what is good looking. And I felt very holier-than-thou that I believe everyone is beautiful etc etc. Then I came across this. And realized what a hypocrite I am...while the standards may be different I too have something in my head on what IS normal. As much as I don't want to perhaps there is a side of that does judge on appearance and I am ashamed

However I am inspired too by what I read and hopefully that inspiration will seep into my conscience enough that I will start to look beyond appearance - whatever that may be - and not just feel sorry for people but see them as people...

The Secret

Today a very dear friend said something to me that touched me beyond words - " I dont know if ive told u this, but im sooooooooo happy for you. your married life fills me with hope and i dont feel as scared anymore". You know who you are, one of the few who actually reads my random rants, so thank you!

I don't quite know what to say about married life. Something about it reminds me of that book that I saw everywhere called "The Secret". I know it had something to do with being happy but I didn't know what it really was about (probably because I never read it beyond a couple of pages!). I have no idea how that analogy even fits but oh well, my blog, my rules! But in seriousness, I don't know why I was so afraid of it for so long. Like it would mean the end of life as I knew it, the end of freedom, the end of my own identity. It's ridiculous when I think back to how I used to feel. It hasn't taken a single thing away and yet has given me so much. It hasn't taken away my identity but given me someone who appreciates me exactly how I am. And it hasn't been the end of life as I knew it, but the beginning of life as I knew it and life as I didn't. As for the 'freedom', well sure I have more responsibilities and am not at free will to make my own stupid decisions without thinking about it, but that was a ridiculous kind of freedom anyway wasn't it?

So why is it kept such a secret? (Just like that book, where it could change your life people said, but noone knew exactly how) Sure people say marriage will make you happy, but noone says exactly how or why. Most of my friends who got married always said 'married life was great'. But I dismissed it as 'well, what else are they supposed to say'. And my mum must have said to me a million times about how marriage was a good thing and having someone to share your life would be really nice. Blah blah I thought. So much lip service and no real explanation on WHAT it is about marriage that makes it so great. But now I get it, there isn't one specific thing that can be talked about. It is the whole idea of having someone to share your life with and share everything with. Having someone to take care of and having someone to take care of you.

I used to dismiss these things when my mum said it with a simple 'I have the two of you, why do I need anyone else to take care of me'. But well, after just a few months of being married, as I told the same friend, I've realized one thing - no matter how much you love your family and how close you are to them, after you are married, it is you and that person, and the rest of the world. And the existence of that identity and warmth it provides is truly The Secret

Being a woman and facing life?

I haven't written here in 8 months. Though I did start a separate blog in the lead-up to my wedding - that one a tad more personal. But even with that it has been over 6 months since I've written anything. I'm not quite sure why...laziness, lack of substance?

Either way, Vatsa's blog (and her tag) inspired me enough to write. I absolutely loved how she focused on how great it is to be a woman and how success for a woman is not the woman's alone. It's such a common phrase to say 'behind every successful man, there is a woman'. But what about behind a successful woman? Well, I don't know if I consider myself quite a success yet, but I hope I can one day. And if I do, I will have not one but two absolutely amazing men behind me - my dad and my husband. In saying this, I do not want to take anything away from my dear dear mum, who to me is and will always be my best friend. I can't imagine what my life would have been and who I would have been without everything she has done for me and the influence she has had in my life. If I have turned out a good person (and i hope I have), it is completely due to my mum. I can go on forever, but that for another day.

Back to the two men I talked about. My dad has pushed me to achieve from my earliest memories of him. And actually even before my earliest memories - I have seen photos of my 1-year old self perched on his lap with him reading out to me and heard stories from my mum about how he would read everything from the newspaper to random books out and teach me to count even before I could speak. At every stage in my life, my dad has encouraged me (sometimes a tad forcefully and with a lot of yelling and screaming from me!) to go beyond what I thought I was capable of. Putting me in school early (and they tell me it wasn't because they were tired of me being at home!), ensuring I didn't lose a year (and rather gained one when we moved to New Zealand), convincing me that I was capable of it, when the option to skip an year was before me. Even when I was in doubt, he never was. I know no parent ever doubts their child and in that he is no exception. Yet there was something in his ways that went above and beyond. To the point that there were times I would be on the verge of hating him for pushing so hard (there is a fine line between love and hate sometime isn't there!), but I know how much love and patience it took on his side to always provide the best to his daughter. From fighting with the principal of the best school in Pune to get me in off-cycle to fighting with me to apply for an MBA to the top 5 schools in the world (which I never believed I could ever get into). There has been a lot of fighting involved in my 24 years of living with him, but well, there is nothing I would change. My relationship with my dad is so amazing and that fighting (usually because we have such similar sometimes-pig-headed personalities) is such a vital part of it. I have heard many say that fathers and daughters have something special together, and for me there is no better example of it than us.

And then I come to the second man in my life. I never thought anyone in my life could take my dad's place, and well I guess in a way no one every could. But if anyone can even come close it is the wonderful man I married. Gosh I had a penny for the times I have said to him "Oh my God, you remind me so much of Papa!" right from his romantic cheesiness (i guess I shouldn't really give that away about him or my dad, who btw is the most romantic 50something in the world) to his craze for every new gadget that comes on the market. But most of all, for how much they both love me and look out for me. Until I got married, I never worried about anything because in my mind if something went wrong "Papa will take care of it". Yes, I was quite the spoilt brat. And I unfortunately cannot make claims to be the modern independent 21st century woman. I was quite a wreck wondering how it would work out and whether I would have to suddenly grow up after getting married. But thanks to the amazing man next to me, I can be exactly who I am! I am not the most responsible person in the world and am terrible at managing finances and filling forms and any of the adult grown-up stuff. And no, I'm not afraid to admit it (do I heard all those feminists turning in their grave). We both have our strengths (I absolutely love to cook for instance, and would like to think I'm good at it - yup there is definitely some turning going on!).

But I digress (I can't help it - I have so many things I would like to say about him). I was talking about success. Well, the point to me is that after getting married, it has never been about his success or my success, but about ours. We moved to the city we live in because he is training to be a nephrologist. I commute for work many weeks, but there has never been a complaint out of him. I have heard men talk about the 'sacrifices they would be happy to make for their wife's career' and while I'm glad to hear it, the thing I love most about my husband is he has never talked about making a sacrifice. Even when I apologize for having to be away from home so much, or for having to work late occasionally, he dismisses me as being silly. He cares about my progress in my job as much as I do, and sometimes more. He will push me to get the best projects, even if it means I spend more time away from him. And in that he really is like my dad. Helping me succeed even when I doubt myself.

In all - no being a woman and facing life has not been difficult. Success (and whatever I have of it) has not been tough to achieve and life for me really is a bed of roses. And yes I am a bit of a spoilt brat - blame those wonderful men in my life!

But in seriousness, If I ever can call myself a success, that success can never be my own. I would attribute it to the two men in my life much before I give myself any credit. As for me - if I had my way, I'd probably be a lazy thing lounging around the house all day...but according to them, it's apparently not an option! darn it!

Temper, Emotions and other such annoyances

Every bone in my body is filled with emotion of some sort. I like who I am and dont have complaints but sometimes I wonder if the emotions are really a good thing. Nothing in excess can be good for you. Yet I do have it in excess. It makes me feel every little thing that much more. Every small thing hurts and cuts that much deeper. And it can be painful. I wish I could just step back and assess things in a more 'practical', 'simple' way. I wish I didnt have an urge to react everytime something small upsets me. I wish those small things didnt upset me in the first place. Is it under my control though or is it just the way I'm wired. I could blame it on the genes. My dad is probably the world's most emotional man but on the other hand my mum has the world's most stable mind. Especially on a woman. Where do I stand then? At times I can see glimpses of my mum and her level headedness in me but those moments are rare and far between. Rather I see myself get hurt and get upset and get angry. When I really don't want to. Can I really change this part of me? And even if I could - would I want to? Sure it can be annoying. Sure it can mean not being able to deal with problems in a straightforward way. But what if it is the very essence of me and ridding myself of my emotional side removes who I am?

Random Ramblings

I've been very infrequent with my blogging of late. I haven't quite had the inspiration or when I do, I don't have the time. Am I'm developing a fetish for microblogging occassionally through twitter but usually through facebook status messages. 'Tis sad. I know! What happened to the good old days of blogging complete paragraphs? No more no more. An attention span can only last for a few words. I wonder if one day we will actually stop having thoughts beyond one sentence. I'm not even kidding. The internet and all things associated with it have become such a part of our lives that I scare myself sometimes. Especially when I read or hear something funny and have an incredible urge to say 'LOL'. Nope. Not joking. I've wanted to whack myself really hard every single time. So if microblogging becomes the way to talk about your opinions, we'll all start thinking in 140 characters. how awesome would that be? LOL

Though my fascination for twitter is starting to grow. The impact it seems to have had in Iran and to think that many people joining hands in spreading their thoughts can really be heard is amazing. Maybe microblogging really is the new wave.

I didnt actually start this post wanting to talk about new developments in technology! I'll leave that to the real bloggers who write content that people care about. And I will continue with my usual randomness. So why did I start writing today...because I'm desperately trying to pass time and willing every minute to go by faster. My parents are one hour away from the city and hopefully no more than two hours away from here. Cant wait cant wait cant wait. It's been six months and while that may not seem like a lot I know how much I've missed them every moment of it.

But perhaps I need to start getting used to it. I've talked in my previous posts about being excited about getting married and starting a new life. Which no doubt I am. But it doesnt take away the sadness I feel when I realize how far my parents will be. And how i will never now go back home. It's not quite that either. I made a very conscious choice when I decided to get married. He is worth every sacrifice and every change, and I want to make a new home with him. Yet I cant shake off the feeling that the home I knew growing up, the city that I know every street of, the friends who know me inside out, and my parents without who I would be nothing are all so so far away. Thank God for the internet. And the phone. And a salary big enough that I can fly home anytime. And a (to-be) husband understanding enough to humour my whims.

So what was I talking about anyway. Yes. Parents arriving. For the big graduation. Marking the end of two years of studying(?) and the beginning of a new career.

And what an amazing two years they have been. While I did say I was ready to move on, this week I have started to realize just how much I will miss this place and the people I have met. While I can't believe it has been two years since I got here because time really has flown, it also in a strange way feels like I've been here all along. School and everyone in it have become such a part of my life that not seeing them every day will be a strange feeling. I don't think it has quite hit me yet. That soon all the familiarity will be gone.

Moving to a new world. A new life. Away from all things familiar. Away from this amazing bubble that school created for me. It is exciting. But yes I will admit it - a little scary too.

The end of an era

It's almost here. The end of business school. Has it really been nearly 2 years? It doesnt feel like it. Till a few day ago, I was very upset. Sad that the experience is ending. Perhaps scared of real life? But a switch somewhere was flipped and suddenly I'm ready. Sure, I have had an amazing two years and met some really great people, but I think mentally I am nearing the end. The same bubble that seemed safe and lovely is now starting to feel a little claustrophobic. The parties, the socializing, the people. After a while it's all overwhelming. A few days ago I was at a party with many of my friends, yet the vibe, the atmosphere - I just didn't feel a part of it. I'm not quite sure why. Am I over standing around watching people drink themselves silly? Or is just that I am starting to get over the experience itself.

I know I sound terrible and I don't mean to. Because these two years have been two of the best years of my life (though I still don't think it compares to my Undergrad years). I'm just tired. And I'm ready for the next phase of my life. I think the MBA is made to be just enough time to be a great experience without feeling like a drag.

It may have something to do with the fact that every day that I spend here is a day I spend away from a certain somebody. And I'm tired to being so far away from him. It may have something to do with the fact that after spending a weekend with him, I feel like having to spend the next four weeks apart is painful. And a phone call is never enough.

And it may have something to do with the fact that every day of Kellogg that ends brings me one day closer to the biggest day of my life. It's so funny. A friend the other day asked me if I'm stressed about getting married. Am I nervous? I should be shouldn't i? But strangely, I'm not. Most people freak out 2 months before getting married. I on the other hand just want these two months to end.

It truly is the end of an era and the beginning of the rest of my life. A life shared with someone amazing. And honestly, I can't wait.

School and Beyond...

I can't believe in a few more weeks this whole experience will be over. Two of the most incredible years of my life will come to an end and I have no idea where they went. I'm not quite sure what I expected when I came to business school. I have been asked this question by so many prospective students on so many occasions - has the school lived up to your expectations. And I find it hard to convince them that I had no expectations really. I applied to business school cause I wanted a change. I picked the school I did because it "felt" right. And my feeling was correct. There couldn't have been a better school than this and there isn't much more I could have asked for. Every moment of the past 1.5 years has given me so much - be it good or bad, I have learnt more about myself and grown up more than I have in the 24 years prior to this.

But now that it is almost over it is scary to think of the life ahead. Bschool is a bubble where things always turn out ok. But I know it will not be in the real world. As the real world gets closer I wonder what life will be like. What are my expectations now from life? None really. So I guess I'll never know if life beyond business school lived up to my expectations either!

Where do I even start?

It has been so long since my last blog post and so much has happened. Life feels completely different yet feels like it has always been like this.

How did you enter my life and become such a part of it that I don't remember what life was like before you? I have known you but for a few months yet I feel like I've known you a lifetime. How do I describe life and my feelings for you? Love? 'Tis such a small word and one that is used so often and so easily. There must be more.

While I type I can't help but stare at the ring on my finger. One that means more to me than anything has in my life. I can't forget the moment I first saw it and the moment I knew that this was it. Us. That from that moment forward I ceased to be an I and became an us. And I love the new identity. Suddenly I feel complete. And I never knew I was only a half.

I look up and see the plant that I got from you today sitting on my windowsill ready to grow and I can't stop smiling. To open a box and receive something that to me represents life. I can't help but think of what life from this day forward means. A life where we are an us.