Monday, June 19, 2006

To live..or not to live

To carry on with the depressing talk, as may be obvious, I did not have a very good day today. It truly was one of those days when you really do question whether life is worth living. I'm sure nearly everyone has had at least one moment in their life where for a fleeting moment they thought it would be better to die than to live. But for most, such moments pass and you always find a solution, or at least you realise that things aren't that bad. Which brings me to something I heard about the other day. Apparently a few weeks ago a 17 year old boy jumped off a 3-storey building not far from where I live. What a scary thought! 17 years old wanting to end his life. Could things really be that bad? I dont know what went on in that boy's life but what makes a person take such a big step. And what makes the rest of us not actually do it during those brief moments we want to.

I know that for me there are four reasons. The first being simply that I dont think I have the courage to do it. Second, a genuine curiosity about how my life will turn out to be, and whether i will finally find out why I am here. Third, my immense faith in God and my belief that He knows what is best for me. It is He who has given me life and only He has the power to take it away. Whatever is happening in my life, good or bad, has a bigger meaning and I am just too small to understand this meaning, thus I choose to blindly trust God and the path that he has chosen for me. But the biggest reason that I would never ever take that step is my parents. How could I possibly put them through that? I believe that a family can get over any type of death with time, but never suicide. Don't people think about this before they decide to end their life. If they have a problem, how is it the fault of their family. Is it really fair to pile so much guilt on to the people who love you the most?

I know I mustn't be judgemental and perhaps people who commit suicide really do have problems. Problems much much bigger than what I can even think about. But can life really be that bad? I dont know. Perhaps it can. All I can say is I hope I never feel that way. Moments are fine, but in the end I do believe that life is worth living. The world is an amazing place...there is good and there is bad...but sometimes we must close our eyes to the negativity and try to feel the beauty that God has created for us. How can we insult Him by shunning what He has made? that all there is to life?

Doesn't life sometimes feel like one day dragging after another with no obvious purpose. We walk from one day to the next. Go to work. Come back home. Go to sleep. Get up. Go to work. What could possibly be the purpose of such an existence where we aren't really making any difference at all. No difference to the world. No difference to the person next door. And honestly, no difference to ourselves. Its not to say that life doesn't have its moments. But how was my today any different from yesterday. And will my tomorrow be any different? What a depressing thought. Makes me wonder what the point of living is. Surely God had bigger plans for me. Or did he? Am I really nothing in this world other than a little nobody. A face that is here today, but may not be tomorrow. And yet nobody would know the difference.