Temper, Emotions and other such annoyances

Every bone in my body is filled with emotion of some sort. I like who I am and dont have complaints but sometimes I wonder if the emotions are really a good thing. Nothing in excess can be good for you. Yet I do have it in excess. It makes me feel every little thing that much more. Every small thing hurts and cuts that much deeper. And it can be painful. I wish I could just step back and assess things in a more 'practical', 'simple' way. I wish I didnt have an urge to react everytime something small upsets me. I wish those small things didnt upset me in the first place. Is it under my control though or is it just the way I'm wired. I could blame it on the genes. My dad is probably the world's most emotional man but on the other hand my mum has the world's most stable mind. Especially on a woman. Where do I stand then? At times I can see glimpses of my mum and her level headedness in me but those moments are rare and far between. Rather I see myself get hurt and get upset and get angry. When I really don't want to. Can I really change this part of me? And even if I could - would I want to? Sure it can be annoying. Sure it can mean not being able to deal with problems in a straightforward way. But what if it is the very essence of me and ridding myself of my emotional side removes who I am?

Random Ramblings

I've been very infrequent with my blogging of late. I haven't quite had the inspiration or when I do, I don't have the time. Am I'm developing a fetish for microblogging occassionally through twitter but usually through facebook status messages. 'Tis sad. I know! What happened to the good old days of blogging complete paragraphs? No more no more. An attention span can only last for a few words. I wonder if one day we will actually stop having thoughts beyond one sentence. I'm not even kidding. The internet and all things associated with it have become such a part of our lives that I scare myself sometimes. Especially when I read or hear something funny and have an incredible urge to say 'LOL'. Nope. Not joking. I've wanted to whack myself really hard every single time. So if microblogging becomes the way to talk about your opinions, we'll all start thinking in 140 characters. how awesome would that be? LOL

Though my fascination for twitter is starting to grow. The impact it seems to have had in Iran and to think that many people joining hands in spreading their thoughts can really be heard is amazing. Maybe microblogging really is the new wave.

I didnt actually start this post wanting to talk about new developments in technology! I'll leave that to the real bloggers who write content that people care about. And I will continue with my usual randomness. So why did I start writing today...because I'm desperately trying to pass time and willing every minute to go by faster. My parents are one hour away from the city and hopefully no more than two hours away from here. Cant wait cant wait cant wait. It's been six months and while that may not seem like a lot I know how much I've missed them every moment of it.

But perhaps I need to start getting used to it. I've talked in my previous posts about being excited about getting married and starting a new life. Which no doubt I am. But it doesnt take away the sadness I feel when I realize how far my parents will be. And how i will never now go back home. It's not quite that either. I made a very conscious choice when I decided to get married. He is worth every sacrifice and every change, and I want to make a new home with him. Yet I cant shake off the feeling that the home I knew growing up, the city that I know every street of, the friends who know me inside out, and my parents without who I would be nothing are all so so far away. Thank God for the internet. And the phone. And a salary big enough that I can fly home anytime. And a (to-be) husband understanding enough to humour my whims.

So what was I talking about anyway. Yes. Parents arriving. For the big graduation. Marking the end of two years of studying(?) and the beginning of a new career.

And what an amazing two years they have been. While I did say I was ready to move on, this week I have started to realize just how much I will miss this place and the people I have met. While I can't believe it has been two years since I got here because time really has flown, it also in a strange way feels like I've been here all along. School and everyone in it have become such a part of my life that not seeing them every day will be a strange feeling. I don't think it has quite hit me yet. That soon all the familiarity will be gone.

Moving to a new world. A new life. Away from all things familiar. Away from this amazing bubble that school created for me. It is exciting. But yes I will admit it - a little scary too.

The end of an era

It's almost here. The end of business school. Has it really been nearly 2 years? It doesnt feel like it. Till a few day ago, I was very upset. Sad that the experience is ending. Perhaps scared of real life? But a switch somewhere was flipped and suddenly I'm ready. Sure, I have had an amazing two years and met some really great people, but I think mentally I am nearing the end. The same bubble that seemed safe and lovely is now starting to feel a little claustrophobic. The parties, the socializing, the people. After a while it's all overwhelming. A few days ago I was at a party with many of my friends, yet the vibe, the atmosphere - I just didn't feel a part of it. I'm not quite sure why. Am I over standing around watching people drink themselves silly? Or is just that I am starting to get over the experience itself.

I know I sound terrible and I don't mean to. Because these two years have been two of the best years of my life (though I still don't think it compares to my Undergrad years). I'm just tired. And I'm ready for the next phase of my life. I think the MBA is made to be just enough time to be a great experience without feeling like a drag.

It may have something to do with the fact that every day that I spend here is a day I spend away from a certain somebody. And I'm tired to being so far away from him. It may have something to do with the fact that after spending a weekend with him, I feel like having to spend the next four weeks apart is painful. And a phone call is never enough.

And it may have something to do with the fact that every day of Kellogg that ends brings me one day closer to the biggest day of my life. It's so funny. A friend the other day asked me if I'm stressed about getting married. Am I nervous? I should be shouldn't i? But strangely, I'm not. Most people freak out 2 months before getting married. I on the other hand just want these two months to end.

It truly is the end of an era and the beginning of the rest of my life. A life shared with someone amazing. And honestly, I can't wait.

School and Beyond...

I can't believe in a few more weeks this whole experience will be over. Two of the most incredible years of my life will come to an end and I have no idea where they went. I'm not quite sure what I expected when I came to business school. I have been asked this question by so many prospective students on so many occasions - has the school lived up to your expectations. And I find it hard to convince them that I had no expectations really. I applied to business school cause I wanted a change. I picked the school I did because it "felt" right. And my feeling was correct. There couldn't have been a better school than this and there isn't much more I could have asked for. Every moment of the past 1.5 years has given me so much - be it good or bad, I have learnt more about myself and grown up more than I have in the 24 years prior to this.

But now that it is almost over it is scary to think of the life ahead. Bschool is a bubble where things always turn out ok. But I know it will not be in the real world. As the real world gets closer I wonder what life will be like. What are my expectations now from life? None really. So I guess I'll never know if life beyond business school lived up to my expectations either!

Where do I even start?

It has been so long since my last blog post and so much has happened. Life feels completely different yet feels like it has always been like this.

How did you enter my life and become such a part of it that I don't remember what life was like before you? I have known you but for a few months yet I feel like I've known you a lifetime. How do I describe life and my feelings for you? Love? 'Tis such a small word and one that is used so often and so easily. There must be more.

While I type I can't help but stare at the ring on my finger. One that means more to me than anything has in my life. I can't forget the moment I first saw it and the moment I knew that this was it. Us. That from that moment forward I ceased to be an I and became an us. And I love the new identity. Suddenly I feel complete. And I never knew I was only a half.

I look up and see the plant that I got from you today sitting on my windowsill ready to grow and I can't stop smiling. To open a box and receive something that to me represents life. I can't help but think of what life from this day forward means. A life where we are an us.

Little things that make me smile

i was walking on the street this morning when a group of girl scouts were chanting 'one box left! one box left!'. I went to their table and took out my wallet and the smiles on their faces were something to see. 'You sparkle girl! you sparkle!' said this adorable little 8 or 9 year old and then the smile on my face far exceeded theirs. I walked away hearing their new chant 'we sold out! we sold out!' - that is somewhere in between all their squealing.
And well that little incident took away the stress of the last one week. Little things really do make a big difference.
1 box of cookies - $4...7 little girls squealing and jumping in excitement - absolutely priceless

Moody little me

A woman's mind is a funny thing. It can go from extreme elation to depression all in a day. Not that I'm depressed. But I do feel a little melancholy today. As always I choose to blame it on all the weird hormones my body produces and that I can't control. Convenient I know. What is it about women and moods anyway? Someone once called me moody and I promptly got very annoyed thus completely proving his point. Though I don't really think I am. I just have certain times when I cease being my usual chirpy self and get a little low. I don't like being this way. Being happier is so much nicer. Yet I get this way anyway. How does that work? Why do I get sad without really having any reason to be so? Is it something in my mind that I can't really comprehend or is it some random switch that the hormones have fun playing with every once in a while? I don't even know why I blame the so-called hormones. Probably all bull anyway. But I've heard other girls/women complain about it that way and well I decided I would too. After all, who wants to take blame for something when there is an easier way to pass it off?

Whatever. It is all momentary and I know I will be over it. I just don't like being this way because I am completely unproductive. Worst of all, I don't even do something fun while being unproductive. What's the bloody point then? The dullness outside reflects my mood too. I wonder if that's a sign.

I just talked to dad and as always he could tell within the first 2 syllables I spoke that I was down over something. Unfortunately, while my dad can pick up on that he still believes there has to be a valid reason for it. All these years and he apparently still doesnt quite understand my random lowness and apparently doesnt quite buy the hormone theory (excuse?). Which makes me wonder, will 'he', the-one-without-a-blog-nickname (yes i still haven't thought of a clever one) when faced with my random lowness also wonder about the reason or will he buy the theory or just assume that I am a moody annoying little something-something that must be left alone? haha...

Well thankfully such times have not come about yet...though no doubt they will. When things are so beautiful I shudder to think about the times that they wont be so. About happier things - yesterday was a lovely day. A valentines day made beautiful by a lovely lovely man who sadly is far away. But the beautiful flowers in front of me do remind me of him and the fact that in 5 days I will see him again. And that I'm sure will be one mood uplifter. Hormones or not.

Happy V Day!

Not that I'm a huge believer in Valentines day since every day is a celebration of love (God, could I be any more corny?)...but well it's a beautiful day outside and my heart is filled with love for everyone in my life. And I am just so thankful for all those people...

So to my lovely friends who read my random blabber, my darling dad (who i know reads this) and to my sweetheart...



Thank u for being part of my life :)

Freedom, Secularism and....Violence?

I'm always been proud to be Indian and proud to be Hindu. This is a horrible way to start a post but just hear me out. Being Indian defines secularism to me and being Hindu speaks for freedom. People have often asked me what it means to be hindu. And I usually have no answer - because there is no 'way' for someone to be hindu. You are born that way and remain so. There are no set rituals that one must follow to be a practicing hindu and as far as I know (though I am no expert on the religion) there are no rules that God wrote apart from perhaps to be a good human being. Who then is the Sri Ram Sena and who made them God's Army as they call themselves? The only time Rama had a Sena was to fight evil - what evil is this sena fighting? They say they are trying to save indian and hindu culture but who gave them that job? They say they are doing what God would have wanted. But if their belief in God is so strong then why not let God do His own work. If God believes something is wrong He will do something about it. Why fulfill your disgusting agenda in the name of Ram?

What is Indian and Hindu culture anyway? I always thought it is about the freedom to be yourself and being able to respect everyone, no matter what their beliefs. We live in a democracy - why then are these random men, the self-proclaimed Rama's Army, going into bars and beating women? Apparently these women by drinking are not following Indian culture - so is it indian culture to beat women? I don't drink, I don't smoke - so I'm the last person in the world who will justify either. But I believe in freedom. Freedom to make choices, freedom to do what you want. How is it that such behavior is allowed in our free and secular country?

And now the threat around Valentine's Day. Sure it is something that has been imported from the west but why does that make it bad? Who are the Sri Ram Sena to dictate what is good and bad? They threaten that any boy and girl caught on a date will be taken to their parents and/or forced to be married. Or perhaps just beaten like the poor girls in Mangalore were. Why? What is so wrong about the day and so what if it is something that was brought in from the west? If we started to reject everything western in India wouldnt we still be stuck in the 18th century? What about the car that Pramod Muthalik sits in when going to make these ridiculous speeches and the phone he uses when making his threats? Wasn't at least part of that technology brought in from somewhere else? What do they expect? Of course things are going to be brought in from the west.

But forget the west. What is it about Valentines Day that bothers them so? That girls and guys shouldnt be talking to each other, shouldnt date, shouldnt be in love? Isn't the oldest love story I have heard of - that of Radha and Krishna - part of hindu culture? How many stories have we heard of them meeting as teenagers? Don't get me wrong - I am not trying to be derogatory here. All I am trying to say is that to love and be in love is part of hindu culture. Just because a certain 'day' was brought in from the west, does not make the idea of two people being in love western.

When I hear of these things I get scared. To ban women from going into a bar. To dictate to women what they must wear. To scare women away from talking to another male (in a society where men and women are now viewed as equal). Isn't it how it all started in Afghanistan? I am not trying to say that the Sri Ram Sena is the Taliban - but what makes them different? Thankfully India is a democracy and will always remain so but isn't the thought scary?

When India is progressing so fast and the whole world's eyes are on it, what impact do stories like these have on the west?

All that apart, what I care most about is freedom. The freedom to love. The freedom to be. The freedom to live. And I love this new campaign - http://www.thepinkchaddicampaign.blogspot.com/ .

Happy New Year (though a tad late!!)

Just read a blog post from a friend describing her end of 2008 and beginning of 2009, which for her was very eventful (though not in a good way)...Ashanka, if you're reading this I'm sorry it wasn't a great start but I hope the rest of your year is just the way you envision it...at a great business school filled with wonderful experiences and new friends. And I hope I get to read loads more posts from you because you always make me laugh. And Amrit...your blog too says that your start wasnt great, but I hope this year brings something new and amazing for you..soon you will be dr prasad and i hope everything beyond that is what you dream of and more. And again, I hope I read heaps more from you, because you always make me think. So Happy New Year you two...

So what about my year? What was 2008 like for me and what will 2009 be like. Out of curiosity I went back and checked what my 'happy new year' posts for the last two years have been. 2007 doesnt have one, but well the start of 2007 wasn't the greatest of starts for me. As for 2008 I apparently had a lot of hopes. In my flippancy I asked for 'a dream job, a dream man and to be famous'. Well I suppose two out of three ain't bad (though I'm not sure it's quite my dream job but it's one i'm excited about nevertheless). And on a more serious note I asked for peace and happiness for my family and friends. Well I hope that was true...and if they didnt get everything they hoped for, I hope this year brings a lot more for them. Because without them I'd be nothing. And I also hope it brings peace and happiness to the ONE whose appearance meant one of my wishes got fulfilled...because he has brought so much of it into my life :)
Speaking of which I must must come up with a nickname when I talk of HIM in my blog (I love the way two of my friends called their 'ones' 'The Loved One' and 'MOTH'(Man-Of-The-House) in their blogs. Note to self: come up with clever but cute phrase to refer to HIM)

2008 was interesting for sure. The beginning (including all the successes and the disappointments) to the end (spending it in my lovely Auckland with my family and closest friends). I learnt a lot about myself and the world...and really started to see things in a new light. For starters I turned 25 which I thought would be the turning for me - the age that I'd finally grow up and mature. Well, that didn't quite happen because I decided 26 would be a more appropriate year for that. Thus I have given myself another year to be a child (well as of now only 4 months of that is left so I wonder if 27 has a nicer ring to it?). Gosh! Turning 26. Now that sounds like a bit of a drag to me. It definitely is on the wrong (or well, the 'mature') side of 25 and well does that mean I will then be in my 'late' 20s. And is a girl (oops...should I call myself a woman) in her late 20s allowed to be silly and idiotic as I tend to be? Well I suppose 26 is still MID 20s but then I also suppose a girl (ahem! i mean woman) in her mid-20s is technically grown up too? Sigh.

Well the debate of me growing up can go on forever and the good thing is that the yet-to-be-nicknamed-one has been warned about the existence of a child within me that must be taken care of and nurtured and hopefully he is not put off by the daunting task ahead! So what do I want out of 2009 then? Nothing really because I think I have everything I could have asked for. And so much more. To the extent that the only thing that is potentially wrong with my life is that sometimes I live in the fear of having too much luck and it all being taken away from me. *shudder*. But beyond that I ask for the same thing as I did last year (minus the dream job and man). Peace and happiness for all those I love and care about.

No hablo Espanol

I've tried to write about the places I've visited in the past couple of years but in my laziness and also taking into consideration all that has happened in the past few months I skipped my week in Spain over Thanksgiving. I hope I can still remember enough to write about it...but I will write what I can.

The trip started in Barcelona where within an hour of getting there I struggled with not understanding any Spanish. Funnily enough the first person to speak to me in Barcelona spoke to me in Hindi. Us desis get everywhere!! Seeing me lost at the taxi stand (he was the guy who directed people to taxis not some random desi looking to dupe me) with my address printed on google maps, he directed me to a taxi. The taxi driver gave a ridiculously high quote (well a lot higher than my friend who lived in BCN had told me it would be) but at that time of night who was I to complain? So there I was in the taxi with the taxi driver asking me to enter the street name into his GPS and talking away in Spanish. I DONT UNDERSTAND I said but he kept going on and on. After about 20 mins in the taxi and him not finding the street on the GPS I finally remembered - global roaming! Yay for AT&T that my phone worked! And that $5 or whatever that I paid to call my friend - every cent was worth it! Apparently the map had the wrong address - in another town outside Barcelona!! Phew! close call.

Thankfully that was the only time that I really had trouble but that was because I was with a friend who spoke fluent Spanish. Note to self: Next time spend some money and get a phrasebook along with that Lonely Planet! Got to the apartment that my friend rented and waited for the arrival of my two favourite cousins. And then went out to the latest dinner I've had in my life - at midnight! Couldnt believe that there were restaurants open! Tapas!! Yay! I love Tapas and I really had my fill (though having pledged to be vegetarian for a couple of months meant a lot of potatoes!).

The next day started with a walk around Barcelona - down La Rambla and up to the waterfront. Saw some amazing architecture, heard great street bands and ate awesome food. What more could I really have asked for. Not to mention a man dressed like Edward Scissorhands that scared the hell out of me! The night was reserved for a taste of the famed Barcelona night life. Which I have to say started well into the night and ended early morning (that too on my insistence!). Apparently there are clubs that will even stay up till 7am - but 4 was about ALL I could pull off. The next day was a tour of the city to see the whimsical fantasies of Antoni Gaudi. I dont think I have ever seen a park such as the Parc Guell or a church such as the Sagrada Familia. The park felt like something out of a fairytale and I cant imagine what the man who designed it must have been like in real life. Everyone has an imagination but to transform that into reality is something else! As for the Sagrada Familia it truly is the most unique church I have ever seen. I do wonder what it will look like when it is finished but at the same time wonder IF it will ever be finished - having been in construction for well over a 100 years. Perhaps the scaffolding adds to the charm of the place?



More time was spent just exploring the streets and the food of Barcelona and it truly is a beautiful city. However, the city that really surprised me was the next one - Sevilla. The European cities I had visited before (Paris, Rome, Madrid, Istanbul, Barcelona, London) have been big touristy ones and well I always knew what to expect. With Sevilla I didn't. And it truly felt like I was transported back in time. Particularly the part of the town our hotel was in. Narrow cobblestoned streets, quaint restaurants and laidback smiling locals - it truly personified my romanticized version of Europe. We hardly did anything in Sevilla apart from visiting a couple of famous structures (the Alcazar and the cathedral) which were beautiful in themselves. But it was just walking around the city, sitting in cafes which I really loved. That to me is a true holiday. Experiencing it like it truly should be. And I don't think I'll ever forget those two days in Sevilla.



Or my week in Spain for that matter. Here's to my second visit there...and I hope there will be more to come!

The dilemma of a 2nd year business school student

I am sure every second year goes through this - to study or not to study. Do grades really matter? No, not really. But I am here to learn. So perhaps I do need to study. Why then doe motivation levels go so low sometimes. Why then does it feel like half the school is ready to check out mentally. Business school is a funny thing. You spend your first two quarters looking for an internship. Then the third quarter recovering from that stress. Then spend the first quarter of 2nd year looking for a job once more. And then using the last two quarters to do nothing with the excuse that this really is your last chance in life to do nothing.

Pray, when then do we really learn? Is learning just a by-product of being in business school?

Corny post alert!

Warning: This blog is not meant for the hard-hearted. It contains super cheesy romantic crap that most people cannot handle. So if cheesiness causes you nausea, please do not read any further.

Dont say I didnt warn you!

Quote from the last post:
While it isn't quite the 'he-looked-into-my-eyes-and-swept-me-off-my-feet', I never really expected that anyway (except during my 16 year old DDLJ fantasies!).

Perhaps I lied. Or perhaps I didnt know that the DDLJ fantasies were not all gone (Speaking of which DDLJ was watched with the aforementioned 'HE', albeit with subtitles!!). So Yes. Sweeping off the feet is complete. And here I am floating on cloud nine! Who knew he had it in him? Who knew any guy outside a Bollywood movie had it in them to say such amazing things that in a day I felt like the world had changed. I can see people reading this and wanting to either slap me or throw up...cause well if I was reading this somewhere else I'd probably want to do the same. But I dont care! MY BLOG! MY WORDS! MY WISH!

I mean yeah I have always been a complete romantic but I never thought I'd be talking like this!! Out in the public domain - when usually I think someone being all dramatic and declaring their feelings in public is all a bit of a show. Yes I am a hypocrite. But this isn't quite public is it? Ok fine. I agree. I'm a hypocrite. And an even bigger one at that cause I claim to hate hypocrites. Ah 'tis a vicious cycle!

So there's a hindi song I love:
Ek Din aap yoon humko mil jayenge, phool hi phool rahon mein khil jayenge, maine socha na tha. Ek din zindagi itni hogi haseen, jhoomega aasman gaayegi yeh zameen maine socha na tha.
Well it pretty much sums up how I feel right now!
I would have translated the song for HIS benefit...but well I dont know if it will come out quite right in English...or perhaps it's a challenge to find the translation :)

What more can I really say. Apart from thinking Wow. And going back to dreaming :)

Random rantings...the quest to defeat writer's block

Well, I'm not really much of writer - more a blabberer but I suppose Blabberer's Block doesnt quite have the same effect. It feels like a long long time since I've written anything here - probably cause it has been. I can't decide if it was because I didnt know what to write about or there was so much in my head that I didn't know where to start.

A lot is happening. Changes in life. It feels like it's time to grow up and I'm not sure I'm quite ready yet. The idea that in 5 months school will be over is a sad thought. Two years and now I just have 5 months left. And the rate that time is going by those will be over before I know it. And then it is time to go into the grown up world. A world which I haven't been quite a part of yet. Sure I worked for a couple of years between college and b-school but even then I was comfortably at home in the protected bubble that my parents had made for me. And then I came into the bubble that is business school. Now to be away from all that is there to shield me from the world what is to happen now? What if I suddenly discover that I'm not quite ready to be an adult? Well I suppose I dont have to be one completely - no matter how much I grow up I think there will be one part of me that will continue to be a child. But the idea of taking care of everything on my own, not having my dear dad to take care of anything that I might screw up, having to think about everything myself and not having the safety net, taking care of myself and perhaps later taking care of someone else? Am I really ready?

And then there's more. The change that is happening now. That has been happening in the past few months. It is amazing how one person can make everything different. The way you look at life, the way you think about things, the way you think about yourself. I've met people, I've thought about relationships but sometimes someone makes it feel right. While it isn't quite the 'he-looked-into-my-eyes-and-swept-me-off-my-feet', I never really expected that anyway (except during my 16 year old DDLJ fantasies!). But a smile that offers you comfort, a voice that makes you feel warm. Isn't that what it's really about? Well I guess I don't know yet but I am happy.

At the same time it can be scary. Life is beautiful yet so full of challenges. Am I ready to face them? A relationship now means so much - commitment and yet a lot of responsibility too. Am I ready for that? I suddenly feel the need to grow up. I know I can do it but I know it'll take time. Will life and he have the patience to give me that time? There's so much to learn and so much to think of. It's overwhelming yet beautiful all at once. There is still a long way to go but something in me looks forward to that journey.

So I ask myself - is everything right? When subconsciously I included a third person (after my mum and dad) in my prayers a few days ago...I started to think - something must be right.